I think I must be a very high maintenance friend. I am probably very tiring to be around at times. It sucks.
See, here is the thing. I am annoyed by people who are self centered. However, I have come to realize that I am one of the most self centered people I know.
My problem was, I always assumed that self centered people were that way because the thought that they were fabulous. So, with those glasses on, I could never really see myself as self centered because I know that I am anything but fabulous.
(Let me be clear - I don't suck, I'm just not fabulous. You know what I am trying to say. You've met those really and truly fabulous people. Some are very self centered, true, but some are extraordinarily humble in their fabulous-ness, which makes them, of course, all the more fabulous.)
However, it has become clear to me over the past year or so that I spend so much time thinking about all of the ways that I am NOT fabulous. Second guessing things I said, or things I did. With my close friends, I talk about it, a lot, and it must be terribly boring.
It occurred to me that all of this self doubt and self reflection add up to self centered-ness. I am TOTALLY self centered. If I spend most of my time thinking about how I can improve myself, how I can not be such a dork, how what the last thing I said or did was totally stupid, then that is pretty self centered, right?
Here's the problem. In many ways, I think I am a pretty cool person. I make good "big idea" decisions in the course of my life. Unfortunately, where I pretty much suck, is where anyone else is involved. Talking to people, going to parties, hanging out with friends.
So, when I am with other people, I enter this sort of "freeze mode," where I forget everything I am supposed to do because I am so uncomfortable. I coach myself "Don't say this, Don't do that, Don't talk about yourself, Talk about others, Show interest in others." Then I get in the situation, and I forget everything that I am supposed to do. Upon reflection, I realize that as I sit there, wanting to join in a conversation, I don't know how, I don't know what to say in the moment, so I end up connecting the conversation to me. About me.
I forget all of my self coaching.
(Come on - you can totally relate - I can parallel this to when you take lessons in something new, and you have all this stuff you have to remember to get it to work right - like playing an instrument - remember how to play each note, remember to keep a tempo, remember to sit up straight, remember the correct position of your fingers, remember to breathe, oooooh wait now you're slouching and oops you're not keeping the tempo, but remember to breathe... you try to juggle all of those little things and you remember one thing and you forget another...)
I feel like I have so little patience with myself - because I know what I am suppose to do - but I forget to do it. I feel so stupid sometimes - and infuriated because I know I am NOT a stupid person. But I do think I am a SLOW person. I am very good at thinking out everything that I need to do, but I am not very good at actually doing them in the moment.
It's why I suck at playing the piano - I can't play and look at the music at the same time - I had to memorize the song. Maybe that is my problem. I spent so much time finding ways to "cheat" growing up (ie, memorizing the songs) that I didn't learn how to actually learn to do stuff.
Anyway. What was I talking about in the first place?
Oh yeah. Myself.
sigh