I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...

So,
I'm upstairs in my room,
talking to dead people...

Amy? Are you watching me change my clothes?
Did you ever come by to visit me?
Betty - do you like my new blankie?
Yes, I still have a blankie -
its not the same one -
its from my husband when he was a kid -
Betty, I wish you'd met my husband,
you would have loved him,
you would have made him laugh,
he reminds me of you
in a secret way in my mind
that makes sense only to me,
Betty, do you know Amy?
Have you met her?
Amy's sense of humor isn't as sarcastic as ours,
but it used to be,
or anyway, she at least appreciated it,
before...
come to think of it,
maybe she'll appreciate it again,
check her out,
make her smile,
Hi Frankie, Hi Grandma,
why not come and join the little party in my head?

Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
and I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train

So.
Amy died on Saturday.
Dead.
Passed away.
So strange,
her little body,
it's her,
it's not her.

I tried to donate blood today. I'm like 4 weeks overdue. They turned me down. My pulse rate was too high. 118. It was 118 ten minutes later in the car. Its at 96 now. Guess blogging calms me down.

Or not. Its 100 now.

When I was little,
I used to lay on my bed,
and feel my heart beat.
I always had a fast heart rate
86-92 is average for me.

I knew it was a little faster than normal
I used to try to will my heart to slow down.
I was afraid that my heart had a predetermined number of beats.
If it was going fast like this, it would use up my alloted heart beats faster.
If I could just slow it down, even have a normal heart rate,
them maybe I could live just a little bit longer.

Why can't death,
be as wonderful as birth?
They are both a part of life,
why so yin and yang?

so. on we go.